Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just snap our fingers and stop being sad, depressed, angry, or heartbroken? Society conditions us to think this is possible. When you were little, your parents probably told you to “stop crying,” “cheer up,” or “calm down.” If you were a boy, then you might have been told “suck it up,” “don’t act like a girl,” or, “stop being a baby.”
Much to our parent’s chagrin these tactics likely didn’t work, and since you’ve been told to control your emotions most of your life, it’s probably incredibly frustrating when you can’t. You may even feel like you’re not “normal.”
So, what does it mean when you can’t control your emotions? Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it just means you’re human. The truth is no one can control their emotions, just like you can’t control pain when you get hurt. Emotions just happen. However, you can regulate them with varying degrees of difficulty.
Read on to learn about the difference between emotional dysregulation and regular emotions, issues people face when trying to control emotions, and how you can learn to better cope with unwanted feelings.
Emotional Dysregulation vs Difficulty With Emotional Regulation
If you research, “what does it mean when you can’t control your emotions,” then you will likely come across the term emotional dysregulation. Because of this, it is important to understand the difference between emotional dysregulation and difficulty with emotions.
I’m not a doctor, but according to WebMD, “emotional dysregulation is a term used to describe an emotional response that is poorly regulated and does not fall within the traditionally accepted range of emotional reaction.”
The article goes on to say, “when someone is experiencing emotional dysregulation, they may have angry outbursts, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and other self-damaging behaviors.” What this tells me is that emotional dysregulation seems to be related to more extreme mood swings and behavior. If you think this describes you, then you should talk to your doctor.
Comparatively, having difficulty regulating emotions from time to time could be much more common. Consider this, the ability to turn down the volume on your emotions depends on the intensity of the emotion and the situation. For example, if you’re angry because you’re hungry AKA “hangry,” then you could probably calm down easily by taking a few breaths or meditating for a few minutes. However, if you’re angry because you’re in a disagreement with someone about an issue that you’re very passionate about, calming down could be incredibly difficult.
Those examples, in my non-expert opinion, represent difficulty regulating emotions. But, as I stated, if you have wild mood swings, crippling anxiety, or troubling behavior then you may have emotional dysregulation. Go see a doctor.
If you’re like most people and can’t always turn down the volume on your emotional responses, then read on to learn more about why you can’t control your emotions, and how to better self-regulate.
Can You Control Your Emotions?
Have you ever had a song stuck in your head that drove you crazy? Did you try telling yourself to stop singing it? How did that go for you? Trying to control your thoughts and emotions is just like that. Unfortunately, we can’t just flip a switch and get rid of sadness, anger, or whatever emotion we are struggling with.
In his book, “The Happiness Trap,” bestselling author and psychotherapist Russ Harris, frames the idea that you can control your emotions as a myth we’ve been told. He goes on to explain that most self-help programs and gurus will tell you that you can control negative emotions by focusing on positive ones. The problem is that no matter how many mantras, manifestations, or visualizations you try, negative emotions and thoughts can keep coming back.
But why is this? Why is it so hard to control how you feel? Harris has an answer for this as well. He explains how our brains have evolved over thousands of years to use anxiety to keep us safe from harm. Positive thinking is simply no match for our primitive minds.
This is not to say there’s no value in positive thinking. Staying upbeat and being optimistic can help us feel better, but it can’t get rid of bothersome emotions.
This myth is one of the main reasons I struggled with mental health for so long. I was so focused on getting rid of my anxiety, depression, and anger, but every time I tried, it just popped back up. So, I felt like a failure. Little did I know my “failure” was just my innate humanity. Now, instead of trying to control these emotions, I make space for them. I will discuss how to do this in a few moments, but first, let’s talk about how trying to control your emotions can make your problems worse.
Is it Good to Control Your Emotions?
I think by now I’ve made it clear that I don’t believe it’s possible to completely control your emotions, but is it bad to try? Believe it or not, when you try to control negative emotions, you’re often trading one problem for another.
Consider the following examples:
1. If you’ve had a stressful day at work, you may come home and have a drink to try and ease that stress. In moderation, there’s nothing wrong with this, but what happens when you constantly turn to alcohol to reduce your stress? You could create health problems, relationship problems, trouble with sleep, and difficulties at work. In this scenario, the solution is worse than the problem.
2. If you have social anxiety, your default may be to turn down an invitation to an event or party. Avoiding these situations from time to time is an acceptable way to manage your anxiety, but what happens if you always say no? You may become isolated, depressed, and suicidal with no one to turn to. Your social anxiety could become so crippling that you’re terrified to ever leave your house. Once again, the solution here is worse than the problem.
In moderation, common coping mechanisms can be effective but if you’re not careful they can become huge problems.
Why Avoidance is Unhealthy
Using avoidance as the primary method to control your emotions can create major issues in your life. I’ve already discussed a couple of examples, but in some cases, avoidance can send you into a downward spiral. Not only that, but the issues you’re trying to avoid won’t go away.
Consider trauma for example. If something bad happened to you, rather than relive that experience you may have a strong desire to never think about it. To achieve this, you may numb yourself with drugs, alcohol, or sexual encounters. Doing this could easily make you feel worse about yourself and can create life-altering problems. Also, just because you try to numb yourself with these coping mechanisms doesn’t mean your problem is going to go away. It may show up as anger, depression, anxiety, or several other emotions.
Harris explains it this way, “It’s like trying to hold a ball under water. As long as you keep holding it down, it stays beneath the surface. But eventually, your arm gets tired, and the moment you release your grip, the ball leaps straight out of the water.”
Trying to control your emotions is never going to make your life better. It will do the opposite. Using avoidance to control emotions will stop you from living the life you want to live.
How Psychological Flexibility Can Help You Regulate Your Emotions
Now that you know what it means when you can’t control your emotions, let’s talk about how you can start to regulate the intensity of your emotions. This is best done through psychological flexibility.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, you can develop psychological flexibility through six core processes:
1. Acceptance — Notice your thoughts and emotions without trying to change them. In my experience, I really struggled with anxiety. It was like a huge mountain I couldn’t scale. But, once I realized I didn’t have to conquer the mountain, I could just accept it for what it is and go around it my life got better. Accept instead of avoiding.
2. Cognitive Defusion — Learning how to detach from thoughts and noticing that a thought is just a thought and not necessarily the truth. To learn more about this concept, read my post, “14 Ways to Ease Anxiety When You’re Overwhelmed.”
3. Being Present — Learn how to be in the now, focus on the present moment and set aside worries about the past or future. For easy methods that will help you connect to the present, read my post, “15 Ways to be Mindful Without Meditation.”
4. Self as Context — Being aware of your thoughts and emotions without attaching to them. Think of it this way. When experiencing sadness, instead of thinking to yourself “I’m sad,” try saying “I notice feelings of sadness.”
5. Values — What drives you to get up in the morning? What do you care about the most, and where do you want your life to go? To learn more about the importance of values (hint: they are very important) read my post, “How Do Values Affect Behavior?”
6. Committed Action — Committing to act based on your defined values. This is how you can truly make progress in your life. To learn how this works, check out my post, “How to Conquer Your Anxiety With Brute Force.”
Psychological flexibility, especially values-based action, is the key to moving past negative emotions and living a fulfilling life. To learn more about these principles I encourage you to read my linked posts and buy Harris’ book. I learned how to do this and it completely changed my life.
I no longer ask myself, “what does It mean when you can’t control your emotions?” I don’t try to control them; I just accept and detach from them without judgment. Because of this, my life is truly joyful.
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