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Anger is a very difficult emotion to regulate because it’s a natural response to feeling threatened. Our primitive brains are wired to protect us from perceived danger, and when we feel threatened, it triggers our fight or flight response. It’s that all too familiar adrenaline rush that floods through your body, tenses up your muscles, and signals to your brain that it’s time to stand up and fight or run away.
In many cases, anger is a sign that you’re standing up for yourself and asserting your boundaries. Therefore, hot button topics and disagreements may quickly send you into a rage. I can relate to this problem. Even though I have improved my mental health in many ways, calming down from anger is still a challenge for me. This is especially true when I’m triggered by something unexpectedly.
When anger catches you off guard, it can be overwhelming and lead to aggressive behavior. Some people are better than others at managing their anger, but if you’re prone to getting angry frequently, it’s important to develop techniques that will help you manage those feelings. I’m not always able to stop myself from reacting angrily to situations in the moment, but here is how to calm down from anger and move on from challenging situations.
Use Counting to Stop Being Reactive
The best thing you can do when it comes to anger is to stop yourself before you become too reactive. It’s also one of the most challenging aspects of dealing with anger, but if you can learn how to do it you will save yourself a lot of stress and embarrassment.
Start by recalling the last time you were angry. Did you feel like you went from zero to 100 in a split second? It’s common to believe that there’s no moment between being calm and being angry, but that’s not true.
Keeping your own experience in mind, see if you can identify the trigger that sparked your anger. The time between the trigger and your response is your opportunity to stop anger before it gets out of control. If you can recognize that micro-moment, then you can pause and reset by counting to ten.
It may seem silly like it would never work, but If you’re being reactive and need to pause and take a breath, then counting to ten can help you give yourself a moment to regroup. Counting to ten can also help you regulate your emotions. Counting is not meant to be a way to suppress your feelings, but rather a tool to help you get in control of your reaction and reflect on how you want to respond.
As I stated, doing this in practice can be incredibly difficult, but one way to make it easier is by identifying your triggers.
Learn How to Avoid Anger by Understanding Your Triggers
Sometimes, it can feel like your anger is uncontrollable, but it’s important to remember that anger is a feeling that can be managed. You can retrain your brain to respond to challenging situations more productively by recognizing what triggers your anger.
If you find yourself getting angry at the same things over and over again, it’s important to reflect on why those things are triggering you. Are they tied to the strong values you hold? Insecurities? Or opposing world views? Spend some time reflecting and write down your triggers.
When you’re done, take a photo of it. Or write them down on your phone in a note app. Pull out this list anytime you start feeling angry. If you can recognize the trigger for your anger, you may be able to stop it from escalating. Do this enough times and you won’t even need the list anymore.
Recognize Anger as a Secondary Emotion
Sometimes, anger is a primary emotion, but more often, it’s a secondary emotion that comes from other feelings, like frustration, sadness, or disappointment. This usually happens when people subconsciously use anger as a tool for avoidance.
For many of us, it’s a lot easier to deal with anger than other feelings like grief, sadness, or loneliness. Confronting these challenges can make you feel vulnerable and using anger, or bottling these emotions, to cope can become the default action. Unfortunately, when these types of feelings are left unaddressed, they can lead to chronic anger.
If you find yourself getting angry often, it’s important to look at what other emotions are underneath the anger. To do this, try zooming out from your negative thoughts or emotions to create some distance from them. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) this is referred to as the “Observing Self.” To illustrate what that means more clearly, I like to use the example of playing a video game.
When you’re playing a game, you’re sitting in your seat observing and controlling the character’s actions. You can see the whole picture of everything that’s surrounding that character and you’re aware of any present danger. You control the character; it doesn’t control you.
Think of your mind in the same way. When we’re zoomed into our minds, we can get lost in a sea of ruminating negative thought patterns. When this happens, it can feel like you’re drowning and it’s impossible to separate yourself from those thoughts or emotions.
To regain some control and zoom out, you can use another ACT technique called cognitive defusion. In the simplest of terms, defusion is the process of recognizing your thoughts as just thoughts, rather than facts or truths about reality. When you become aware of these thoughts for what they are, you’ll feel less inclined to act on them automatically. By doing this, you can gain more control over your emotions and behaviors.
To learn more about this process check out my post, “How to Interrupt Negative Thought Patterns.”
Use Mindfulness When Angry to Create Space
Mindfulness techniques can be a great way to distance yourself from anger. It works because being mindful helps you connect to the present moment rather than ruminate on angry thoughts.
One of the most common ways to practice mindfulness is by meditating. You can use apps like Calm and Headspace to learn how to meditate and practice daily. I’ve been using Calm for years and I love it (P.S. they are not a sponsor. I do not make a dime if you sign up for Calm, I just really believe in their product).
However, not everyone is into meditation. The good news is you can practice mindfulness without meditation. That’s how I got started. Here are a couple of techniques you can try:
- Noticing — As you go about your day, pay attention to small moments, and note them in your mind. This is a great exercise for beginners. When I started with this it was around the holidays and I remember noticing little things like the smile on my kids’ faces when they sat with Santa or spent time with family. These moments don’t have to be profound; they can be as simple as petting your dog or savoring a really good cup of coffee.
- The Waiting Game — One of my favorite mindfulness without meditation exercises is what I like to call “The Waiting Game.” When I’m sitting somewhere waiting, like in a doctor’s office, instead of mindlessly scrolling through my phone, I try to clear my thoughts and take in my surroundings. Typically, I focus on sound. Often, it’s quiet, and I sit and enjoy the stillness, but when it’s not I try to make a mental note of all the different sounds. This exercise helps me clear my mind and enables me to disconnect from the world by keeping my phone in my pocket.
For more exercises, check out my post, “15 Ways to be Mindful Without Meditation.”
Understand Physical Anger Symptoms
When you get angry, one of the most important things you can do is recognize how anger shows up in your body. Common physical symptoms of anger include faster breathing, increased heart rate, and muscle tension. Some other symptoms that are not always immediately obvious could include pupil dilation and elevated blood pressure.
When anger shows up physically notice it. Note the tightness throughout your body, your breathing, and your heartbeat. Just as it’s easy for anger to manifest itself physically, it’s easy to get rid of it with a physical response.
After noting the physical symptoms of anger take a moment to pause and then assume a calmer posture. If your muscles are tight try to relax them. If you’re seated and rigid slide into a more comfortable position. If you’re standing shake out the tension. When you’re physically relaxed it’s very difficult to stay angry. A great way to do this if you’re having trouble on your own is by doing a progressive muscle relaxation meditation.
Try Calm Breathing Techniques
Calm breathing is one of the best tools for bringing you back to the present and it enables you to step outside of your head. Breathing is an essential part of regulating your emotions. When you take a moment to breathe deeply, you’re giving your body the oxygen it needs to calm down and relax.
You can do this by closing your eyes and taking a few slow, deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Set a timer and focus on your breath for two minutes.
Here are a couple of additional breath exercises that help me:
Anchor Breathing
- Set a timer for three minutes.
- Find an anchor on your body by placing your hand on your heart or your belly.
- Take a deep breath in and focus on your chest or belly expanding.
- As you exhale pay attention to how the ribs or stomach fall back down.
- Continue like this until the timer ends paying attention to the rising and falling of the air entering and exiting your body
Box Breathing
- Breathe in slowly letting the air fill and expand your lungs as you count to four.
- Hold your breath for four.
- Exhale for four.
- Repeat this for two minutes.
Know When to Walk Away From an Argument
If you’re engaging with someone who is triggering your anger, it can be helpful to take a break and come back to the conversation with a clearer head. If a conversation is escalating, it’s important to try and de-escalate the situation. If you can, try to diffuse the situation by walking away and coming back to the conversation when you’ve calmed down.
Before you just get up and walk away, it’s important to communicate to the other person that you need to take a break to calm down. Let them know how long you will be gone. Not everyone will be receptive to this, but you need to do what’s best for you. If a situation is triggering your anger, remove yourself, especially if there is potential for violence.
Write Down Your Feelings When Angry
Sometimes, writing your feelings out can help you get in touch with what’s causing those emotions. If you find yourself struggling to identify what you’re feeling, try writing your feelings out in a journal.
Journaling can help get your emotions off your chest and provide you with insight into what’s triggering those feelings. There are times when emotions get stuck inside of us and we don’t know how to express them. Journaling is one of the best ways to work through those emotions and process them so you can move forward.
I recommend the “So F*cking Angry (Write That Sh*t Down)” journal.
Practice Self Care to Avoid Anger
Sometimes, anger is easily triggered because you’re running on empty and need rest and self-care. Personally, I know that if I don’t get a good night’s sleep, I’m angry and irritable as a result. This can have negative effects on my relationships with my family and make the situation worse.
If you’re burnout, tired, or simply in need of a break make sure you give yourself that time. My post, “Burnout First Aid: How to Find Immediate Stress Relief” offers a great method for reducing stress.
Additionally, if you reflect on your anger and discover that lack of self-care was the cause, be sure to apologize and let the other person know what you’re going to do in the future to avoid a repeat.
Challenge Your Own Perspective in a Disagreement
We often respond to situations based on our past experiences and our own perspective of the situation. If you’re in an argument with someone, it’s important to try and step out of your shoes and look at the situation from the other person’s perspective.
If someone is challenging you and you’re feeling angry, try to step back and think about why they would say the things that they say. It’s important to challenge your perspective so you can get out of your head and see situations from multiple viewpoints. This is called empathy. But how can you be empathetic if you’re always surrounded by others who share similar views as you?
There are several different ways you can learn to be more empathetic. One of the best ways is to take in more diverse perspectives. Read books, listen to podcasts, and take in multiple sources of information from differing views so that you have a more informed opinion.
In conversation, especially with people who have differing points of view, spend more time listening than speaking. Be open to new ideas and try not to interrupt. It’s ok to disagree in the end if you have a strong point of view, but be willing to take in new information before digging in.
To learn more about how to develop empathy skills, read my post, “Can You Have Empathy for Someone You Hate?” It includes helpful information for dealing with people you despise as well as those you love.
Decide if Being Right is More Important Than the Relationship
Sometimes when it comes to anger that results from a disagreement you half to ask yourself whether it’s more important to be right or to save the relationship. If your default is to cut people off whom you disagree with then you will quickly find yourself alone on an island of self-righteousness.
If the issue you’re disagreeing about isn’t that important to you then the choice here is simple. However, If you have taken a break, reflected on your anger, and tried to calm down but you can’t then it’s probably an issue you feel strongly about. If that’s the case, then you have to decide whether this value is more important to you than the relationship.
Know that if you decide to stay connected with this person you may have to be the one to apologize. You don’t have to apologize for your beliefs but if you reacted in anger and said some things you regret then you should acknowledge those actions.
What Are The Benefits of Anger?
When thinking about how to calm down from anger, it’s also important to consider how anger can benefit you.
Anger can motivate you to take action and speak your truth when you’re afraid of the consequences of remaining silent. It can also be a sign that you’re putting yourself first and refusing to tolerate harmful behavior from others. Anger can also bring people together when there’s a sense of injustice. Anger can be very powerful and important for social movements like women’s and civil rights.
It’s also important to acknowledge that not all anger is helpful or healthy. The only person who can manage your anger is you. If it’s a secondary emotion, then you need to identify the root cause. If it’s because you’re neglecting self-care, then you need to address those challenges. If anger is caused because of disagreements about various issues, then you need to decide how to navigate those situations and relationships.
I hope this post helps you figure out how to calm down from your anger and live a calmer life.
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