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It can be hard to know what to do when you see a friend or family member struggle with depression. Figuring out how to intervene in a supportive way can be a challenge. Often, when you want to help someone with depression it can be frustrating when they don’t respond positively to your attempts. The truth is, helping someone with depression is hard. Helping someone with depression from far away is even harder.
Distance creates an added layer of complexity, but even though you might not be able to see or spend time with someone who has depression, that doesn’t mean you can’t help. If we’ve learned anything in recent years, it’s that there are many ways to stay connected with people when you’re separated by distance. So, if you’re up for the challenge, keep reading to learn about the many ways you can help someone with depression from far away.
Talking to Someone With Depression
Before you can help someone with depression, you need to better understand what depression is, and how it can affect their behavior when talking to them.
It’s important to know that depression is a medical condition, and it has many different symptoms. Most people who are depressed feel sad, down, and generally uninterested in everyday life. A person with depression may feel like the world is closing in on them and they won’t ever get better. Other symptoms can include:
- Fatigue
- Trouble sleeping
- Difficulty concentrating
- Suicidal thoughts
Keep this in mind when talking to someone with depression and know that depression isn’t laziness. These symptoms are real and your friend or family member likely won’t snap out of it or get over it quickly with your intervention. This can be especially frustrating for someone who is only trying to help.
A Word of Caution About Talking to Someone With Depression
As someone who has struggled with depression, I can tell you that when my wife tries to help me her intentions are good, but I can respond negatively and hurt her feelings. Then I feel even worse because not only am I depressed but now someone I care about is upset. Don’t put your emotions and hurt feelings onto someone who is depressed. This will have the opposite effect of what you desire and will only make them feel worse. That’s not to say you should let a depressed person walk all over you and disrespect your boundaries, but if you truly want to help you need to have empathy and understanding when talking to someone with depression.
So, before you attempt to help someone with depression you must be in the right mindset. Know that they may not be open to your attempts and they could respond negatively. This doesn’t mean they don’t care about you; they just can’t shoulder another person’s feelings when they are struggling. The good news is that if you can accept this reality and persist when they protest, you have a good chance of helping.
1. Get Them to Talk About Their Depression
When trying to help someone with depression from far away it can be challenging to get them to talk to you. If this is the case, being persistent may help you get through to them. This doesn’t mean calling all the time, it simply means letting them know you’re available and that you care. You can simply text them once a day or reach out on social media. It’s fine to call, but don’t overwhelm them.
2. Listen to Someone Struggling With Depression
When they’re ready to talk, be there to listen. Pay attention to their needs and follow through with action. If they say they need to vent, let them. If they say they need help figuring out how to set up a therapy appointment, help. If they say they want to be left alone, respect their wishes.
When they want to be listened to, be present. When they need help, be ready and willing to help. Think of ways you can follow up on what your friend is saying. If they say something like, “I’m having a hard time getting out of bed,” first try to empathize with them. You could respond by saying, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this, that must be really hard.” You could try to encourage them by helping them connect to a reason to get out of bed like a hot cup of coffee. Or suggest that they open their curtains before going to sleep to let in natural light, as this can help with wakefulness.
However, it’s important that you don’t focus too much on solutions. It’s okay to offer a suggestion here and there, but the best thing you can do is listen and be supportive. When someone is depressed, they feel like they’re alone because they might not recognize that they aren’t doing things they usually do, like eating healthy meals or exercising. They might also feel like they’re alone because they feel like they’re not connecting with friends or family. When you provide support, you’re letting your friend know that you recognize that they’re struggling and you want to help
3. Help Them Reframe Negative Thoughts
Detaching from your own negative thoughts can be a challenge, so getting someone else to do it from far away will be even harder, but it’s worth a try. When you’re listening to your person, pay attention to any negative self-talk. Common things people say are:
- “I’m a loser.”
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I’ll never be happy.”
- “I’m always going to feel this way.”
You get the idea. When this happens, there are a few strategies you can try:
Reframe: If they say something negative about themselves, say “hey, don’t talk about my friend like that!” This will help reframe their mindset. If they wouldn’t say those things about a friend, they shouldn’t say them about themselves. Let them know that loving-kindness towards themselves is important.
Unhook: It’s easy to get caught up in negative thoughts and when this happens the person experiencing these thoughts will take them as truth. Remind them that thoughts are not facts. If they say something negative, encourage them to say it again, but with the phrase “I’m having the thought that,” in front of it. This can create some distance. For example, “I’m having the thought that I’m a loser.” Notice the subtle difference? This technique can be very effective.
Counterbalance: When my kids or wife say something negative about themselves, I make them say something nice about themselves immediately after. This can balance out the negativity.
Negative thoughts can have a lot of effect on someone’s mood, so do what you can without being pushy to help. For more tips on dealing with negative thoughts, read my post, “How to Interrupt Negative Thought Patterns.”
4. Know When to Give Them Space
To help someone with depression from far away it’s important to communicate regularly but as I previously stated, don’t overwhelm them. Letting your friend or loved one know you’re there for them regularly is crucial to making them feel supported. However, know that they may withdraw from you, and ignore your texts, calls, and DMs.
Sometimes you just need to give them a little space. Try keeping tabs on them from afar by paying attention to their social media or checking with anyone nearby who might know what they’re up to.
If you have given them a little space, and they are still not responsive, then ask someone to check in on them. If you’re truly concerned for their wellbeing, and there’s no one nearby to check on them, you can call their local police department and ask them to do a welfare check. Before you go this far, give your person one last chance to respond. Let them know you’re concerned and sending someone over if they don’t reach out to you.
5. Send a Care Package
Another great way to let someone know you care and that you’re thinking about them is by sending a care package. You could put something together yourself and mail it, DoorDash them some food, or order a gift.
Personally, I think food is the best way to someone’s heart and I love sending and receiving snack boxes. The Snack Bar package from Amazon is awesome, and unlike other companies the shipping is fast, so you can get it to someone really quickly.
They may ignore your texts, but they won’t ignore snacks!
6. Encourage Them to Practice Some Self-Care
One of the best ways to help someone who is struggling with depression is to encourage them to participate in self-care activities. Start simple at first, encourage them to get up and get dressed, go on a short walk, or eat a favorite meal. You can join them virtually for most of those activities through a phone call or video chat.
Simply getting them to move and do something other than lay in bed is a huge win. If you have success with that, encourage them to do activities you know they already enjoy. If they like playing video games, ask them to play with you. If they like watching movies, use Netflix and Hulu’s watch party function to view something together. Finding activities you can do together virtually will help you stay connected.
7. Share a Virtual Experience
Similar to self-care activities, there are many great virtual experiences available now. Here are a few to consider:
- Cooking classes
- Wine tastings
- Virtual workouts
- Virtual painting class
Getting someone who is depressed to do anything could really help them. Sometimes it just takes a shock to the routine to help elevate their mood.
8. Offer Helpful Resources
Sometimes it’s hard for the people we’re close with to accept our advice, but when it comes from other sources you may have more luck. Here are a few great ones:
- SAMHSA’s National Helpline: A free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
- Care for Your Mind: This website offers advice on finding affordable therapy. It also provides information on care coordination, access to treatment, veterans, workplace issues, Medicare, and more.
- Depression Support Groups: The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) offers a tool that can help people find local support groups.
- The Trevor Project: Focuses on suicide prevention among young people who identify as LGBTQ+. Reach its crisis helpline by calling 866-488-7386 or texting START to 678-678.
- Depressed While Black: An online community and nonprofit that focuses on donating black-affirming personal care items to psychiatric patients and connects people to black therapists.
I also recommend reading my post, “How to Cope With Depression and Get Better.”
9. Plan a Visit
If you’re able to get away, then you should plan a visit. Even if it’s only a couple of days, an in-person visit could do a lot of good. Also, the simple act of planning a visit and letting them know you’re coming could give them something to look forward to.
Alternatively, you could plan a vacation together. Research shows that the act of planning a vacation can boost your mood.
10. Encourage Them to Seek Help for Depression
Long-term depression requires psychiatric treatment. If your friend or loved one is not sure where to find a psychiatrist, encourage them to start by talking to their primary care physician. Many health insurance companies also offer Teledoc virtual appointments.
If your person needs an affordable option, Healthline put together a great list of mental health care options for every budget.
Let them know that they don’t have to be embarrassed to seek help. Depression can be treated, and they can avoid a lot of suffering if you can encourage them to seek professional help.
11. Look for Signs of Worsening Symptoms
As you try to help someone with depression from far away, do your best to watch out for worsening symptoms like talk of suicide, self-harm, severe withdrawal, and talk of not being around anymore.
If you are worried about worsening depression symptoms there are a few actions you can take.
Get certified in Mental Health First Aid
I did this when I was in the Army and the training was incredibly valuable. Some important wisdom I learned includes knowing how to assess their risk for harm, what to say, how to listen, and how to make a plan to help. Their website offers a great overview of what you need to know, but I highly recommend getting certified (note: I don’t earn a commission for this, I just really believe in the process).
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
You can reach the hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Their specialists are trained and can help advise you.
Call 911
If you think your friend or loved one is in immediate danger of harming themselves, you should call 911.
12. Set Boundaries and Take Care of Yourself
The desire to help someone with depression from far away is a noble one but avoid getting overly involved in your friend’s life. It can be easy to get wrapped up in helping a friend and not take care of yourself. It’s important to make sure you’re eating healthy meals, getting enough sleep, and taking care of your own mental health.
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. You can let your person know that you’re committed to helping them, but that you have your own life and need to make sure you take care of yourself too. They may get annoyed or offended when you say this because anger often comes with depression. Try not to let it affect you too much. Simply take the time you need for yourself while continuing to communicate your support for your friend or loved one.
How to Know What to Do When Someone is Struggling With Depression
When someone is struggling with depression, it can be hard to know what to do. Often, we want to help but don’t know how. The best way to help someone who is suffering from depression is to be there for them, even if it’s from a distance. Encourage them to get the help they need, but don’t forget to take care of your own needs. At the end of the day, you can’t force someone to get help. They must want to get better, and if you try to help and you’re unsuccessful know that depression is a serious condition and it’s not your fault.
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