If you’ve ever struggled with mental health, then you’ve probably wondered does therapy really work? At least once or twice. My name is Tony Hardman, and I’m a regular guy (not a therapist) who has dealt with depression, anxiety, anger, and a host of other issues throughout my life.
I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was a teenager, so by the time I was in my thirties, I started to question whether or not I would ever get better. One day when I was feeling defeated, I asked my therapist, “does therapy actually work, or am I going to have problems forever?” Her response was basically, “yes, it works, and I know it works because it worked for me.”
At the time, I was satisfied with her answer, but I also took it with a grain of salt because I thought, “of course she believes it works, she’s a therapist.”
Look, therapists are amazing, but most therapists won’t share a lot about themselves with you. Finding someone else to relate to can be hard. So, before I answer the question, “does therapy really work,” I want to share my journey with you so that you know what I overcame.
Trigger Warning: This post includes content about suicide and cutting, which some readers may find triggering. Discretion is advised. If you’re having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Lifeline at 800-273-8255.
Mental Health Challenges While Growing Up
I wouldn’t fully realize it until I became older, but my formative experiences, combined with a family history of mental illness, would really impact my wellbeing.
For most of my life, my birth father wasn’t around. My mom raised me on her own until she remarried when I was about three years old. I was eventually adopted by her husband, but feelings of abandonment would follow me well into adulthood.
Despite that experience in early childhood, I didn’t start to have problems until fourth grade. We moved from Colorado to Ohio, and I was relentlessly picked on because I was the new kid. Depression started to form, and the happy-go-lucky kid I was began to fade away.
It got worse in middle school. Going through puberty, I gained a lot of weight, and I was ridiculed for it. I still struggle with body image issues because of this.
At some point, my mom took me to my first therapy appointment. I found it helpful, but unfortunately, my mother has always been easily swayed by other people’s opinions. Someone told her that therapy was a waste of money and she should just take me to do something fun once a month to fix my problems. She listened, and I didn’t get the help I needed.
Surviving High School With Depression
By the time I started high school, I lost weight and made some friends, but depression was taking hold of me. I felt numb. Being unhappy and sad was the norm for me. That feeling was pretty consistent throughout my high school experience.
Thinking back, a few things stand out in my mind. One time I had a friend over, and I was feeling suicidal. So, I threatened to drink laundry detergent in front of him. He didn’t know what to do, we were just kids, but he convinced me not to drink it. This was one of my first cries for help.
At another point in time, I confessed to my adopted father that I wanted to kill myself. He told me that he wouldn’t attend my funeral if I did because it was against religion. Unfortunately for me, this became another unanswered cry for help.
Eventually, I started cutting myself just so I could feel something other than numbness and depression.
Luckily, high school wasn’t all dark. I had a great group of friends, did theater, and worked different jobs. There were a lot of good times, but the sadness I felt would stay with me.
Testing Out Therapy in College
In my freshmen year of college, I finally went to a doctor to get prescribed an anti-depressant. I also started seeing a psychologist at the university to work through my issues.
The combination of medication, therapy, and being very physically active helped for the most part. But, there were times when I still struggled with depression.
I can remember one time I broke down while driving to meet some friends. I don’t recall why, but at the time I felt overwhelmingly sad. I had to pull over just so I could cry. That wasn’t the only time something like that happened to me.
This partly occurred because I was inconsistent with therapy, and I eventually stopped taking my meds. I didn’t like how numb they made me feel. It wasn’t the same numbness as being depressed, but it prevented me from feeling the joys of life.
Looking back, overall, I was successful in college and hopeful for my future. I even met and started dating my future wife during my senior year. Life was pretty good, but when college ended life changed dramatically.
Battling Life’s Challenges in Early Adulthood
I graduated with a degree in journalism and started working as a producer for an ABC station. Six months later, I got some news that would change my life forever.
I found out that I was being deployed for Operation Enduring Freedom. I joined the Army Reserve in high school and knew I would be called on eventually. The day before I left, I also found out that my girlfriend was pregnant with our first child.
Within a year, I completed my military obligation, got married, and had my first daughter. When I came home everything was different.
I thought I would be this hotshot reporter with a career in news, but I needed to make better money to care for my family. So, I left for a communications job, and I resented it for years.
Then, in 2008 the financial crisis hit. I was laid off, and career instability would fuel my anxiety and depression for a really long time.
All these shifts in my life, combined with past childhood trauma brought my mental health issues back with a vengeance.
Throughout my twenties, I struggled with anger, depression, thoughts of suicide, and overwhelming anxiety. This caused problems in my marriage, and my wife and kids saw sides of me I never wanted them to see.
There were periods when I saw different therapists and tried new medications, but it didn’t really stick. In fact, one anti-depressant actually made my anger significantly worse. So I stopped taking them altogether.
Finally, when I was in my early thirties, I decided I was ready to make a change. So, I went to the VA for help.
Finding the Right Help
One of the biggest keys to getting help was finding the right therapist and psychiatrist. You have to be your own advocate. My wife won’t even try therapy because she had a bad experience with a therapist once. It’s important to find the right people who can help you. For example, I didn’t like the first psychiatrist I saw at the VA, so I asked for a different one.
Luckily, I found a great psychiatrist who finally helped me. It turns out that I needed a mood stabilizer, not an anti-depressant. I also worked with a therapist who used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help me learn how to change my thinking patterns. I even voluntarily took an anger management class to learn how to quell my rage.
Eventually, when I hit a wall in CBT, my therapist recommended a different kind of treatment called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). This therapy helped me achieve a level of calm and happiness that I never knew was possible. Through ACT, I learned about mindfulness, meditation, and ways to accept and acknowledge my emotions without letting them control me.
Despite setbacks, after all the years of therapy, and trial and error with medication, I got better. Now I have a resilience that has put me in the best mental state I’ve ever been in. I’m calmer, I rarely get depressed, and I have a more positive outlook on life. I’m still anxious and have bad days, but the truth is I’ll never be fully done growing.
Does Therapy Really Work?
So, why did I just spend all this time telling you the abridged version of my life story? Well, I wanted to give you a personal example of success when answering the question – does therapy really work?
I’m sure by now you have figured out that the answer to the question is yes, therapy really works, but for it to work, you have to work it. It takes commitment and daily practice to really make a difference. And it doesn’t happen overnight. I know that sounds challenging, but the good news is that you really can get better if you continue to try.
I wish you the best of luck, and if you struggle with anxiety like me, I suggest reading my guide — The Ultimate Guide to Anxiety: A Deep Dive from Someone Who’s Been There.
